I would like to express my deepest thanks to everyone who has subscribed to this newsletter over the past month or so, since publishing my first essay here. It really means more than I can say. Sadly, I find myself in the regrettable position of having to shut this project down as quickly as it began, or at the least put the essay series on hold for a little while until the future is more clear. After suffering yet another downturn in my health, and as I’m in the process of moving out West to New Mexico – a final attempt to improve my condition and change my life – I’m realizing it was wishful thinking to launch this newsletter during this vulnerable time. I have essays already written that could be published as they are, but it doesn’t feel right to put those out into the world right now. I can’t in good faith go on about the meaning and value of my suffering when I quite frankly feel as though I may not make it through this if something doesn’t change for me. I need to give myself room to suffer and live in this moment and just be a sick person and not try to push through or make plans for an increasingly uncertain future. I’ve been holding on for dear life for much too long, trying to write my way through this like a madman — and feeling like a madman — and it’s really been no way to live. Nothing I will ever say will capture the depths of this pain or convey how I actually feel. This disease is pure evil, and it has shown me things about life and about people that I never wanted to see and now can never unsee. Whatever you imagine it to be, it’s worse. However low you think a person can fall, there’s always deeper. Who knows, I may soon return with a renewed outlook, and it really wouldn’t take much. Perhaps my luck is about change, and perhaps not. I will be putting payments on hold here shortly once I have a better idea of what comes next. I may post little personal updates just to let people know where I’m at and to keep something going here. I appreciate each and every one of you for finding me, and it is with my deepest apologies that I step away for now.
All my love,
Sam
Please take care of yourself. I hope your move brings you relief. Im so sorry you are going through this. Much love.
Thank you. Your work has been a blessing for your readers. Praying that you find relief for your suffering.