I Have to Go

(Again)

Things had actually been going fairly well since moving out to New Mexico earlier this year, all things considered, but after a recent medical procedure went wrong, my overall condition seems to have considerably declined once again. I turned off payments and will be taking time to pursue remedies and regather, though in honesty I’m not sure when or if I’ll be back. Going full Dallas Buyers Club. I did say something along these lines months ago and managed to sort of get back on the horse, though I was clawing with my fingernails to get anything going and it never felt good. This is different. Short of any real-world intervention or improvement in my health — which hasn’t happened in over a decade — I won’t be writing or publishing anymore. That’s where I’m at. By the grace of God I eat these words and don’t be surprised to see a post from me in your inbox someday — I may still share personal news and updates or whatever — and also don’t be surprised not to hear from me again. Writing has given my life consistent meaning and joy and a certain stability over this decade of illness and it really hurts to let this go. The reality is, despite my best efforts, I’ve been toiling for years and my work hasn’t been up to my own standards, and it takes some wisdom to know when to stop smashing your head into the wall. There’s a part of me that refuses to believe I’ve gotten this sick, the part that I write with, the part that wants to escape and forget, and whatever that is just seems to be causing me pain at this point. It’s a particular kind of hell to feel inwardly capable of something and, for reasons that don’t make much sense to you, not to be able to really show that — to never really know what you’re capable of. Well, at least I got to show something, and while I’m obviously not happy with the circumstances, it feels better to face the brutal facts and let go of what could’ve been than to just constantly be at war with my reality. Thanks again to everyone who has supported my work here or elsewhere over the years or who are just finding me now. It’s good to know some people still care, even when you’re not at your best.